The Unidirectional Time

     I’ve been away for almost a year and now I am back. Some… So many things we’re different now. The biggest change I ever had so far in my life. But there’s still not much positivity in my brain and my words are just as profound as they were. But hey, I’m back… and I guess this calls for a celebration. Cheers!

     Today is her birthday (technically, it was yesterday) . I mean, my best friend’s birthday… my… well… uhm… former best friend to say the least. The bond we used to have is nowhere to be found, we no longer communicate with each other (except for the very awkward greeting I received from her on my nineteenth birthday) and it’s been quite a while since I last saw her. I don’t even know what she’s up to now or if she is doing fine. To tell you the truth, I miss her so much and I’m not okay anymore with this odd distance between us.

     On a lighter note, my eldest sister is now married to her long-term boyfriend. One of my brothers, the younger one, is now working in a cruise ship, the Royal Caribbean International. The sad part though is that he has to be away from us for ten months every year. It is the very first time that a family member has to do so (except for my dad’s case years before I was born). And last but not the least, my younger sister, second to the youngest, is now pursuing veterinary at Isabela State University. And like my brother before her, she also has to spend  ten months away from us as well… If my calculations were right, it will be a very long time before the day we’re all reunited again comes.

     About me, well… not much has changed. I am still the same old boring me. The same person who regrets a lot of mistakes from his past, who would go head over heels about the silliest things, who could easily manipulate mathematical equations but never understand and accept (or deny) the reality of life and by any means, would try to stand up fearlessly, solving every problems he encounter but end up writing about sadness, false hope, childish dreams and nostalgia.

     I am still the same man who loves being negative and optimistic at the same time. I am still the same man who laughs at the weirdest jokes but hates being laughed at. I am still the same man who excels in school but not in life. I am still the same man who is a good man on someone else’s perspective but is never good for himself. I still sleep late like before or maybe much more often now. I still try to impress please everybody (which I know is impossible) but still fails. And even though I know all these things, I can’t help but fail every time I try to utilize my weaknesses and to find my strengths. And every time I smile, that smile doesn’t last for long (probably as good as not smiling at all).

     I feel a little different though… And since I still tend to believe that I can change for the better, I still welcome change just as easy as a little kid weeps after being bullied. Hey, speaking of kids, I am now working part-time as a babysitter of my cute little niece, the main cause of my many sleepless nights. I enjoy it though. And about school… I’m two years away from graduating and I am still doing fine. A little bored? Yes. A little tired? Yes. A little fed up? Yes… But still doing fine. And with ‘fine’, I mean not so fine. I still wake up every morning doing almost my same old daily routine. I still do my best, still believing that someday, I’ll find true happiness (again, one of those childish dreams). I am babbling nonsense again, aren’t I? Sorry for that. Seriously… things turn for the worse, not for the better. And the worst of all is the fact that my past is so bad, the future becomes more uncertain. If only (Yeah… that’s right… my favorite phrase!)… I guess I’d end it here.

     Just a while ago, I had the chance to reminisce my childhood days with my grade school classmates when one of them decided to create a group account on Facebook for our batch. Going back to the old times sure was great if only I remember anything. Sigh… I’m suffering with my occasional amnesia again. Back to topic… I almost did not recognize them. Some changed a lot physically. Besides having their names almost deleted on my memory, the very strange feeling of  recalling the events we shared together (another thing you can vaguely remember) adds up to the awkwardness of the situation. Each one of us took quite an unexpected change. Some took a chance abroad. Some stayed on their track towards achieving their dream back when they were still kids. Some had a change of goal. There are those who used to pursue a math-related career and end up pursuing something science-related. There are those who chose to pursue the latter and end up otherwise. Some chose to excel academically, even to the extent of abandoning their passion for either art or music. Some found new skills and hidden talents… Some chose to live life anew while some never improved at all.

     Oh the irony! Just the mere idea is killing me. I just instill on myself that it’s not yet the end my friend. So that no matter what happens, I will not give up. If they can succeed, I can as well. The thrill makes me more fueled up for action, improving day by day, albeit slowly. There will come a time when I shall be able to see the one thing I want most.

     Guess that’s it for now. I’ll be back soon. Wish me luck.  Ciao.